What is Selful?
You may have noticed that I've named this substack Selful. You might rightfully be wondering to yourself - what is Selful?
The word itself was born out of my own extended contemplations searching for a word that would help to encapsulate and express how important self care, self acceptance, and self love are. Especially as an antidote to the pernicious polarity of selfish and selfless.
Words hold power. Language describes a shared landscape of reality. In order to chart new territory, we need new words. Let me kindly introduce you to a new word : Selful.
I think Selful will help to change the world. Here’s why.
GENESIS
The word Selful was born out my own struggles with navigating the world. Trying to be happy. Wrestling with how to manage getting my own needs and desires met while still being a "good" person and caring about others.
I've always navigated this conundrum as if actions existed in a polarized spectrum between selfish and selfless.
And in the polarized spectrum of duality, there exists right and wrong. Being selfless is right and good. Being selfish is wrong and bad. No one taught me that explicitly, but it's what I learned through my conditioned environment.
Sinners behave selfishly. Saints act selflessly.
That crucible has always been incredibly challenging for me. I've gravitated towards trying to act selflessly for most of my life. Not because I'm better than anyone else, but because it seemed like the best option to me. I didn't grow up in any religious institution, but I've heard enough about Heaven and Hell to know that sinners go to hell and saints go to heaven. When you hear enough people talk about both places, from an early age it becomes super obvious that heaven sounds way, way, way better than hell.
Would you like to be tortured for the rest of eternity by demons? Or would you like to eat grapes, sip wine and live in total ecstasy with all your loved ones? Easy choice, right?
So, completely out of self preservation, and desiring to be in heaven, I've mostly operated in the world by attempting to do the selfless thing. And by trying to do the selfless thing, I have often overextended myself in order to "help" others - thinking this would lead me to greater happiness.
Honestly, it was a secret gambit. A covert transaction where I help you, and thus it's now your turn to help me (or God, I’m not picky).
Help me feel good about myself. Help me feel complete. Help me feel worthy of love. And of course I'm only worthy of love, if I'm receiving love from others. They are the proof, the validation, that I am worthy. That my life has meaning, that I deserve love, and that I'm not some worthless piece of shit.
So in my desperation to be loveable, I must go help others. God forbid I ever take a break either, because that would be selfish. So you can understand my frustration with others when they fail to give me the love I crave and think I deserve. Can't you see all that I've done for you?! Don't you understand how much I sacrifice of my self for your benefit?!
From that place of desperation, I continue to give, and give, and give. Expending what feels like my own limited resources, my accounts almost running dry. So naturally what is given smells of my own desperation. Reeks of neediness. Steeped in expectation. Wrapped up in quid pro quo.
Is it any wonder that from that place of desperation I'm unable to slake my insatiable thirst for approval, acceptance, and love?
When the days are dry, and the desert of my heart is arid - I pray for rain.
But what if there's another way? What if I needn't be reliant on others to shower me with love? How do I become a self sustaining spring?
Enter my new favourite word. One which bridges the gap between the polarity of selfless and selfish. One which was gifted to me from the cosmos and the ethers. SELFUL.
A place where waters overflow, bubbling up and out of the depths. Quenching the thirst within the landscape of my life. Drilling down into the wellspring of my Being.
BIRTH
As might be obvious from my first post being a reclamation of the word Individual. I love words. Specifically, I love getting to know and experience them on a deep level. To feel their essence. To experience their significance and hidden meaning. Words themselves are never the essence they seek to describe. They are portals.
So it's important to bring a level of awareness to words that is deeper than we often afford ourselves. Especially when they are words that shape our world. That inform us about what is possible. Words that we use with which to orient our life and actions. Personally, I found it challenging to be in the world when I only looked at things from a binary position of right and wrong. Selfish and selfless.
According to Merriam Webster's dictionary, the definition of selfish and selfless are the following:
Selfish : taking care of oneself without thought for others
Selfless: having no concern for self. Unselfish
If I'm being super specific, I'm actually referencing their "kids definition". I didn't know that there was such a thing as a "kids definition", but it tickles me to know that it exists. It also better encapsulates what I believe is the collective understanding of the words. I didn't know exactly what definition they would use, and I was delighted and unsurprised to see that "unselfish" was included in the definition of selfless. Apparently I'm not the only one who saw selfish and selfless as opposite poles.
Any time we have a duality, there is actually a dynamic point of equilibrium within that spectrum.
For example, let us consider hot and cold. Too much heat and we burn. Too much cold and we freeze. The experience of both of these extremes on the scale of temperature actually feel quite alike, even though they are born out of the extremes of seeming opposite polarities.
Within those extremes, there is a comfortable middle ground. We exist and thrive in between the extremes. We feel it in our body when it's too cold, so we seek warmth. We know when we're overheating, and we look for ways to cool down.
Similarly there exists a place of equilibrium, of equanimity within the polarity of selfish and selfless. That place, I like to call Selful.
While I'm resistant to defining Selful too rigidly, I will point to its essence in relation to our previous definitions. Here we go.
Selfish : taking care of oneself without thought for others
Selfless: having no concern for self. Unselfish
Selful : taking care of oneself with consideration and care for others
It's not about choosing my self or others. It's about choosing my Self for others.
INTEGRATION
The hallmarks of Selful behaviour is how you feel. Think Self-full. So if you find yourself feeling complete, feeling filled up, feeling an inner strength, then that is Selful.
If on the other hand, you find yourself feeling guilty, shameful, or depleted, then you have missed the mark. You aren't a bad person. You just missed the mark.
Supposedly the word sin is actually a mistranslation, or re-interpretation of an ancient archery term which meant missing the target. So next time you feel bad about something, I invite you to consider that this is the wisdom of your body reflecting back to you that you have judged yourself as having missed the mark - and it is doing this through the medium of your feelings.
When this happens, it's important to not mistake this as an external assessment of some celestial deity in the sky that is keeping tabs on you and judging you - or your friends, family and the outside world for that matter. The assessment is being made by you. You have sensed that you have missed the mark, and you are feeling that. You are not wrong or bad. And in recognizing that you are experiencing the sensation of having missed the mark, you have the opportunity to learn from that. You have the opportunity to practice being Selful.
The Selful thing to do at that point is to witness ourselves with the eyes of compassion. To give ourselves the love and support we need so that we can see things clearly for what they are. This is a really difficult thing to do at first, since we have been conditioned to believe that we are our actions. So if we feel that we have done something wrong, we self flagellate. This self flagellation is so painful most of the time that we can't help but repress it, or react and project it outside of ourselves. So it takes great courage to feel the pain. Feel the pain and learn from it.
Personally, in order for me to allow myself to feel this pain, it's been an incredibly important thing for me to learn that I am not my actions.
You are not your actions. You are the indwelling awareness - the Witness. And while you are responsible for your actions, they are not you.
You are not the content of your life. You are the context.
Let me make the radical claim that all of our problems and chaos in the world is an out picturing of our collective inability to be Selful. Being Selful asks us of us all to take the courageous leap into Self responsibility. Which doesn't mean that we have to do it all on our own, it simply means we need to be aware of our own Being first and foremost. We need to take care of ourself - our Self. By all means, ask for help, find support. But please, take care of your Self.
We must remember the timeless wisdom of the modern sages who grace our airplanes and instruct us before takeoff that in case of emergency we must put on our own oxygen masks first, before we help anyone else. That is Selful.
And when you feel full, let that permeate your Being and spill out of you. Be of service when you are full and overflowing with love. Be Selful.
The wisdom of the Universe, of God, is that everything is infused with spirit and consciousness. The gift of consciousness allows us to be aware. From that place of awareness, we can help bring things into balance. Starting with our Self.
I hope that one day Selful will be the word of the year for some dictionary, not because I want credit, but because I want to live in a world where we all live Selfully. I believe that is where we are headed, and what a utopia that will be.
Care to join me?
[breaking the fourth wall]
This post is so hard for me to write since I have so much to say on the topic. It's a bit messy, and I kind of like it that way. I am in love with the idea of Selful. The idea doesn't belong to me, it's a collective thought form. So let me know what you think. What do you agree with? What do you disagree with? What questions do you have?
Your perspective is additive and informative and welcomed. So please, let me know what's on your mind!